


The Slashers' Guide to Return of the King

by Lanna Michaels (lannamichaels)



Category: Lord of the Rings (2001 2002 2003), Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: April Showers Challenge 2011
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-12-30
Updated: 2003-12-30
Packaged: 2017-10-18 15:21:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/190260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lannamichaels/pseuds/Lanna%20Michaels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All a slasher ever needed to know about Return of the King, but didn't want to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Slashers' Guide to Return of the King

**Author's Note:**

> **Statement made to save one's own ass:** I've only seen ROTK three times, so I've undoubtedly missed things. Some of my notes were out of order and so some scenes might not be in exact chronological order.  
>  **Warnings:** Numerous cheap shots. Crude humor. References to bondage. References to character death. C'mon, people, this is _humor_.  
>  **A/N:** Love to [](http://zillah975.livejournal.com/profile)[**zillah975**](http://zillah975.livejournal.com/) , [](http://lunasv.livejournal.com/profile)[**lunasv**](http://lunasv.livejournal.com/) , and [](http://ashinae.livejournal.com/profile)[**ashinae**](http://ashinae.livejournal.com/) who saw this in various stages of completeness and didn't tell me to scrap it.

**SCENE I: SMEAGOL AND DEAGOL ARE FISHING**

SMEAGOL: Catch anything yet, my love?

DEAGOL: Just this ring, precious.

SMEAGOL: *sighs happily*

DEAGOL: No, the ring, you dolt.

SMEAGOL: Why you little -- *strangles him*

DEAGOL: *dies*

SMEAGOL: Such a pretty birthday present. *puts on ring, disappears*

 **SCENE II: SMEAGOL NARRATING OVER HIS TRANSFORMATION**

SMEAGOL: They cast us out. Faggot, they called us. Kinky deranged faggot. And we forgot the taste of cock, the feel of a fucking, the consistency of lubricant. But, on the upside, no one looks at us strangely when we go around stark naked. Yes, precious, yes!

 **SCENE III: FRODO AND SAM WAKE UP**

FRODO: Aren't you going to eat anything?

SAM: I'm not hungry. 'Least...not for lembas bread.

FRODO: Oh, Sam.

SAM: Please?

FRODO: Not in front of Gollum.

SAM: Bugger.

 **SCENE IV: ARAGORN & CO. APPROACH ISENGARD**

PIPPIN: This pipe I'm smoking is sexually suggestive.

MERRY: As is mine.

GIMLI: As is my grouching when I see them sitting around and smoking rather than boinging each other.

ARAGORN: Can we move on? Pippin needs to find his sex toy.

 **SCENE V: MEDUSELD PARTY**

THEODEN: Hail the victorious dead!

ARAGORN: They aren't victorious if they're...never mind. I'm just grouchy because I'm missing Boromir.

EOMER: Can I blow you?

ARAGORN: Um. No.

EOMER: You're no fun.

ARAGORN: I'll just take this drink your _sister_ is offering me.

EOWYN: *swoon*

THEODEN: You could do better.

EOMER: But he's going to be the king of men.

THEODEN: I meant your sister.

EOMER: You're also no fun.

 **SCENE VI: LATER AT THE PARTY**

PIPPIN: There once was a man from Nantucket-

MERRY: Who really knew how to suck it-

PIPPIN: The constable came nigh-

MERRY: With his dick really high-

PIPPIN: And said the donkey...

MERRY & PIPPIN: Fuck it!

AUDIENCE: *laughs*

GANDALF: Hobbits. Too bad Frodo's dead.

ARAGORN: What does your heart tell you?

GANDALF: That we've suddenly morphed into The Phantom Menace.

ARAGORN: Curious.

 **SCENE VII: ON THE ROAD TO MORDOR**

GOLLUM: It's mine, I mean ours, I mean ours...yes, precious, yes.

SAM: Now I have to kill you in a jealous rage.

GOLLUM: You're fat. I'm skinny. Therefore, I'm better than you.

FRODO: I love you, Smeagol. Come.

GOLLUM: *over shoulder* Lose some weight!

 **SCENE VIII: BACK IN EDORAS**

LEGOLAS: I want you to ravish me.

ARAGORN: ...Wait, isn't that Sauron? *runs off*

LEGOLAS: Curses. Foiled again.

PIPPIN: I saw a white tree in flames. And the Eye.

GANDALF: Seven stars and seven stones and one white tree.

PIPPIN: What?

GANDALF: I like being cryptic. It diverts attention from how out of character I am in this film.

 **SCENE IX: COUNCIL AT MEDUSELD**

GANDALF: Pippin wasn't lying. All sex toys _are_ half off.

THEODEN: All the more reason to defend our Borders from Sauron. And our Barnes and Noble.

GANDALF: He knows the Heir of Elendil is back and he'll do everything he can to stop it.

ARAGORN: Wonderful. Make this all _my_ fault.

THEODEN: I still don't see why we should help those who didn't help us.

ARAGORN: Um...hello? Over here? Rightful king of Gondor?

  
 **SCENE X: BY THE STABLES OF EDORAS**

MERRY: Why did you look? Why do you always have to look?

PIPPIN: I thought you liked that I was a voyeur.

MERRY: Oh, go fuck Faramir.

PIPPIN: You don't mean that, do you, Merry?

MERRY: Of course I do. *hands him a package* You smoke too much.

PIPPIN: See if I ever blow _you_ again.

  
 **SCENE XI: ON THE ROAD TO THE GREY HAVENS**

ARWEN: Oh, look, my son.

ELROND: What the fuck? Since when do you see visions? *pause* Damn, Aragorn ages well.

ARWEN: Ada!

 **SCENE XII: MINAS TIRITH, AT LAST**

GANDALF: Minas Tirith, city of kings. You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.

PIPPIN: So I shouldn’t tell him about the time me and Merry caught Boromir unawares and-

GANDALF: Most certainly not.

DENETHOR: Have you come to tell me that my son is dead, or have you come to supplant me?

GANDALF: You're just a steward.

DENETHOR: That's not what you said last night.

 **SCENE XIII: IN MINAS MORGUL**

ORC: And what of the Wizard?

WITCHKING: I will break him.

ORC: Kinky.

 **SCENE XIV: SHORE OF OSGILIATH**

FARAMIR: *all breathless, back to the wall* The audience just had a spontaneous simultaneous orgasm. Damn, am I hot.

 **SCENE XV: IN THE SPIRIT OF BRAVE SIR ROBIN, RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY**

GANDALF: Isn't my Nazgul-be-gone something awesome?

FARAMIR: Frodo?

PIPPIN: You've fucked Frodo and Sam!

FARAMIR: Erm.

GANDALF: Faramir, tell me everything.

 **SCENE XVI: IN THE THRONE ROOM**

PIPPIN: I swear fealty and service to Gondor. This does not include blowjobs.

DENETHOR: Good. Now kiss my ring, and watch me glare at Faramir.

FARAMIR: I loved my brother.

DENETHOR: Yes, we know. Some times twice a night.

FARAMIR: So you wish I was dead?

DENETHOR: Not in so many words, but yes.

FARAMIR: Crap. Now I must die. Oh, well. At least I'll be able to fuck Boromir in the afterlife.

DENETHOR: That's the spirit.

 **SCENE XVII: ON THE STAIR**

GOLLUM: Must have master all to myself! *accidentally wakes up Sam*

SAM: What were you doing?

GOLLUM: *looks innocent* Wanking.

SAM: Now, Smeagol, you know Mr. Frodo doesn't like when you do that.

GOLLUM: Master won't know. Smeagol has good recovery time.

SAM: Blast it.

FRODO: Sam, go home. Since I've lost all this weight, I need someone more proportional.

SAM: *starts crying*

FRODO: There, there. It'll be alright.

SAM: Will it?

FRODO: On second thought, no. But you can have a nice "fuck you" in parting.

SAM: *wails*

GOLLUM: Told you!

  
 **SCENE XVIII: PIPPIN STARTS A FIRE**

GUARD: The beacon of Amon Din is lit!

DENETHOR: Oh, phooey. Now I can't have a dramatic death in combat like my son did.

GUARD: Erm...

DENETHOR: Dammit, why can everyone fuck Boromir but me?!!

  
 **SCENE XIX: MEANWHILE, BACK IN EDORAS**

ARAGORN: Gondor calls for aid!

[long pause]

THEODEN: And Rohan will answer.

ARAGORN: _Finally_.

THEODEN: Somebody better blow me for this.

  
 **SCENE XX: FARAMIR & CO. RIDE THROUGH THE STREETS OF MINAS TIRITH**

GANDALF: Disobey orders in front of a huge crowd.

FARAMIR: Where does my allegiance lie if not here?

GANDALF: Good point. But if you die, Aragorn won't have a fuckboy.

FARAMIR: Tell him to try Eomer.

  
 **SCENE XXI: BACK IN THE CITADEL**

DENETHOR: So, I hear you're really talented with your mouth.

PIPPIN: You're an evil man who sent both his sons to die.

DENETHOR: Sing for me anyway.

PIPPIN: *grumbles* I really don't want to fuck you now.

FARAMIR: *dying scream* BOROMIR!

 **SCENE XXII: BY DUNHARROW**

LEGOLAS: The horses are restless. The men are quiet.

EOMER: See that path? Bad place. All who go into it come out straight.

ARAGORN: *looks like one who the dead call*

EOMER: It's evil, darling. Don't go there.

 **SCENE XXIII: IN THEODEN'S TENT**

ELROND: *takes down hood*

ARAGORN: Daddy!

ELROND: I come on behalf of one I love.

ARAGORN: *blushes* Thank you.

ELROND: I meant my daughter, you dolt.

ARAGORN: Damn. And seeing as how you just invoked my dead mother, I can't refuse this quest.

ELROND: Nope.

ARAGORN: Well, at least I got a nice phallic symbol out of it.

 **SCENE XXIV: OUTSIDE THE TENT**

ARAGORN: Get a life, Eowyn.

EOWYN: But-but...

ARAGORN: I cannot give you what you seek. But, listen, Lord Elrond is around here somewhere. He has a nice daughter.

EOWYN: Um...

ARAGORN: Besides, your brother is girlier than you.

 **SCENE XXV: BY THE DOOR INTO THE MOUNTAIN**

GIMLI: So, dead, huh?

LEGOLAS: They swore an oath to Isildur, who actually wasn't the last king of Gondor, to serve him. When they discovered how much of a pervert he was, they ran and hid. Only Isildur's Heir can fuck them.

ARAGORN: Besides, I don't fear death.

LEGOLAS: *lustful gaze*

  
 **SCENE XXVI: INSIDE THE MOUTAIN**

KING OF THE DEAD: That blade was broken!

ARAGORN: Nyah.

KING OF THE DEAD: I hate phallic symbols.

 **SCENE XXVII: FARAMIR IS DRAGGED INTO THE CITY**

DENETHOR: My son is dead!

FARAMIR: Uggghhh...

DENETHOR: Oh, Faramir, you shall not have died in vain!

FARAMIR: But I'm not dead yet.

DENETHOR: Then you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!

FARAMIR: No, I'm really quite alright. Oh, bugger it all. Where's Aragorn? I need someone to kiss me.

 **SCENE XXVIII: IN SHELOB'S LAIR**

GOLLUM: Heigh ho, to the lair I go, to fill my heart and get my Ring...

FRODO: It's sticky! What is it?

GOLLUM: The semen of a thousand...never mind. You'll see. Shelob's a bit of a dominatrix, yes, precious.

FRODO: Who's Shelob?

GOLLUM: Oops.

 **SCENE XXIX: JUST PAST SHELOB'S LAIR**

SAM: Mr. Frodo? Mr. Frodo? No! Don't go where I can't follow!

FRODO: *groans*

SAM: If that's the way you feel about it, I'll just take your nice ring as souvenir. Hope you don't mind. *runs and hides*

VARIOUS ORCS: Don't worry, he's not dead.

SAM: *gleefully writing on all the walls* Frodo lives!

 **SCENE XXX: IN THE HOUSE OF THE STEWARDS ON THE SILENT STREET**

DENETHOR: Faramir, you look delicious all soaked with sweat. Bet you'd taste better doused in oil. Hell, so would I.

FARAMIR: *groans*

DENETHOR: *burning* Faramir?

FARAMIR: No, Boromir, not here, Daddy will see...

DENETHOR: Why you little!

GANDALF: Stop!

DENETHOR: You will not take my son from me! Faramir, I love you! *jumps to his fiery death*

GANDALF: Pathetic.

  
 **SCENE XXXI: ON THE FIELD OF BATTLE**

WITCHKING: Feast on his flesh...

THEODEN: Why does everyone want to blow me? Am I really that irresistible? Wait a moment. Eowyn?

EOWYN: I am not a man.

THEODEN: No shit. If you were, Aragorn would've fucked you by now.

  
 **SCENE XXXII: ON THE SHORE OF THE ANDUIN**

ARAGORN: *jumps off boat. This is his hero shot* Damn, am I hot. The audience just had another spontaneous orgasm.

GIMLI: There's plenty for the both of us.

LEGOLAS: I don't know. Elven stamina is pretty dependable.

OATHBREAKERS: *running everywhere*

ARAGORN: I love my harem.

  
 **SCENE XXXIII: LEGOLAS KILLS HUGE CGI MUMAKIL**

LEGOLAS: I know stupid elf tricks.

GIMLI: It still only counts as one.

ARAGORN: I see dead people.

GIMLI: And you'll be one of them if you don't stop hitting on my elf.

LEGOLAS: Oh, Gimli. *swoon*

 **SCENE XXXIV: ONCE THE BATTLE IS OVER**

KING OF THE DEAD: Release us. Now.

ARAGORN: Oh, all right. *takes off cockring* Be at peace.

OATHBREAKERS: *dissolves*

PIPPIN: Merry!

MERRY: Pippin! I knew you'd find me. And are you going to leave me?

PIPPIN: No, Merry. I'm going to look after you.

MERRY: I love you, too.

 **SCENE XXXV: IN MORDOR**

FRODO: You can see my boxers. Oh, this is so erotic. I wonder if I can whore my way out of here. Then again, maybe they could use a good whore. Helps take care of tension. Where's Sam? _He'd_ make a good whore.

ORC: Quiet, you scum.

SAM: *killing things* That's for Frodo! And that's for the Shire!

FRODO: Bound. Naked. Helpless. Sam! Oh, Sam, I'm so sorry for everything.

SAM: You're forgiven. Let's get you into some clothes. You can't go walking through Mordor in naught but your skin, erotic as it may be.

FRODO: You say the sweetest things.

  
 **SCENE XXXVI: THE LAST DEBATE**

ARAGORN: If Sauron had the Ring we would know it. I'd already be his sex slave, as would Eomer and Legolas. Gimli, not so much.

GANDALF: There's still hope. Skimpy clothes are half off.

GIMLI: Well, what are we waiting for? Let's make for the Boutiques of Barad-dur!

  
 **SCENE XXXVII: ON THE RIDE TO THE BLACK GATE**

EOMER: You don't clean up well.

ARAGORN: But you'll still blow me?

EOMER: Of course. Hey, sire, since when is the Eye of Sauron a searchlight?

ARAGORN: Bite me.

EOMER: Gladly.

  
 **SCENE XXXVIII: THE LONG WALK ACROSS GORGOROTH**

FRODO: I'm thirsty.

SAM: Here, take my waterskin. I came in it this morning.

FRODO: Then there'll be nothing left for the return journey.

SAM: It's ok. We're both still young.

 **SCENE XXXIX: BY THE BLACK GATE**

LEGOLAS: Aragorn, are you sure this is a good idea?

ARAGORN: No.

GIMLI: You know, I bet an army of the dead would have been really useful right about now. Never thought I'd die fighting side by side with an elf.

LEGOLAS: What about side by side with a friend?

GIMLI: Friend with benefits.

LEGOLAS: Exactly.

  
 **SCENE XL: ON THE SLOPES OF ORODRUIN**

SAM: Do you remember the taste of strawberries, Mr. Frodo?

FRODO: No, Sam, nor the feeling of groping, naked in the dark.

SAM: Oh, shite. Come on, Mr. Frodo, let's finish this so we can give you ample opportunities to remember. Look, we're almost there.

GOLLUM: Clever hobbitses, to have climbed so high.

SAM: Meep.

  
 **SCENE XLI: BACK BY THE BLACK GATE**

SAURON: Aragorn.....Elessar...

ARAGORN: I am called to my master! I must go!

EOMER: *heartbroken* Bobo?

ARAGORN: *melts* Oh, all right. For Frodo.

EOMER: *blows him*

 **SCENE XLII: BY THE CRACKS OF DOOM**

FRODO: It's done.

SAM: Yes, Mr. Frodo, it's over now and I have you all to myself.

FRODO: Can we go home now?

SAM: Probably not. I'm glad to die here with you. But, damn, I miss Rosie.

FRODO: WHAT? You lying bitch!

SAM: Erm. Oh, wait, look, Eagles!

 **SCENE XLIII: IN THE HOUSES OF HEALING**

FRODO: Gandalf! Merry! Pippin! Hey, that was my nipple.

PIPPIN: We know.

GIMLI: Can I get in on the orgy?

LEGOLAS: And me?

ARAGORN: And me?

SAM: And don’t forget me!

FRODO: Oh, Sam.

GANDALF: Hobbits.

 **SCENE XLIV: ARAGORN'S CORONATION (FINALLY)**

ARAGORN: This day does not belong to one man, that is, Boromir. Oh, Boromir! *breaks out into song*

FARAMIR: *clapping* I look like I just orgasmed. Which I did.

EOWYN: Oh, Faramir.

ARWEN: I came. And you're still mourning Boromir.

ARAGORN: But it doesn't matter, because you're mine now. All mine! MWHAHAHA!

ARWEN: Shut up and kiss me.

GLORFINDEL: Don't think of it as losing a daughter; think of it as gaining a son. Oh, right.

ELROND: Yeah. Exactly. But you still love me, don't you, Glory?

GLORFINDEL: Yep.

EOMER: *sniffs* Now I'll never get to blow Aragorn.

 **SCENE XLV: BACK IN THE SHIRE**

FRODO: Here's to surviving.

MERRY & PIPPIN: *make eyes at each other*

SAM: Um. Excuse me.

PIPPIN: *catches bouquet* Merry, will you marry me?

  
 **SCENE XLVI: ON THE ROAD TO THE GREY HAVENS**

BILBO: Frodo, lad, whatever happened to that old cockring of mine?

FRODO: I'm sorry, uncle. I'm wearing it. Would you like to see it?

BILBO: No, that's quite all right. I was just wondering.

  
 **SCENE XLVII: AT THE HARBOR**

ELROND: The sea calls us home.

CELEBORN: Yes. As soon as we're out of sight, I'm going to throw Galadriel to the fishes and then ravish Elrond on the deck.

GANDALF: Coming, Frodo?

FRODO: Oh, Sam. For the longest time, my only ambition was to keep you barefoot and pregnant in my little hobbit hole. Then I realized we were both male. I'll miss our hobbit orgies.

SAM: But, Mr. Frodo!

FRODO: *kisses him* *leaves*

PIPPIN: I think I need a hobbit orgy to cheer me up.

MERRY: Me, too.

SAM: Me, three. Let's go.

Roll credits. Slashers amuse themselves analyzing the juxtaposition of Faramir and Eomer in the credits, as well as the small circle Gimli makes with his fingertips.


End file.
